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07 October 2007 @ 11:28 pm

I'm 24 and don't have a clue who I am, what I like, where I want to go.  Life for me at this point is a struggle with identity.  I think I've always been this way, it's now that I'm really understanding it.  My day to day routine doesn't change.  It's the same bs as it was weeks ago.  I don't know why I am the way I am.  I don't know what needs to be done to get out of a 'rut' as I'd call it.  I know the things that make me happy are friends and family and music.  Not playing music, but listening.  The friends I do have, I'd say they're genuine.  I've had no drama with them whatsoever.  It just sucks because I've never been with those I call friends for long periods of time....like physically being around them.  From high school, I went away to college.  After college, I went home for a bit then moved to where I currently live.  And now here, after living here for one year, I feel lost and somewhat alone.  I hate sulking, it's not my style at all.  But I think by realizing what I need to work on, and taking an actual effort to find who I am, and to not be scared of what or who that'll be, I'll have something to look forward too.  I'll have an answer to the simple questions that I hate answering now.  But that's just that....how do I start to find myself?  If I couldn't figure it out after 24 years, when will I ever figure life out? 

14 September 2007 @ 08:14 pm

i don't know what the fucks up...you are frustrating me.  i want to like you, but i don't know.  i'm not sure what u want.  and what was the stunt you pulled today??...geezus.  this is why i need a drink.
09 September 2007 @ 03:21 am
 hung out at maria's today.  it was cool.  watched several movies.  she said it'd be a gathering with her friends.  turned out to be mainly her family, me and a guy friend.  it got weird after he came though...i think i came more quiet...idk why.  i didn't ask for details or anything...assuming its a guy she's into.  gonna leave it at that and we'll see what happens.  awkward.  very. 

31 July 2007 @ 12:43 am
well i got the truck today....i was stoked till i found out it doesn't play any burnt cds :(  And i love my music.  i really do.  i was at debate at work whether i should keep it, put up with what i need too, or...sell the darn thing and get something much more efficient with my needs.  decisions. 

in a week or so, a good friend of mines is leaving for good...and i'm so gonna miss her.  at least she's moving on to better things...wish i could say the same for i.  

i found out my coworker got engaged over the weekend.  i was happy for her.  she loves her bunker and he loves her.  ever since i've been working more with her, she's such an awesome person.  older than i, but still has that killer attitude of a kid, no joke.  she'd be a cool mom...one of those that could really relate to kids.  i'm happy for her.  

on another note...i want a tattoo so bad.  i've been convinced i want it right below my ear...more on the backside, not directly down my neck.  figure if its there, it won't be as noticable....yet noticable.  but for the moment i'm soo broke its not even funny.  i got 25 dollars to my name to last till thursday.  okay so maybe the tattoo won't happen just yet, but shit...i don't want to wait too much longer.
27 July 2007 @ 02:30 am
my roomate is a jerk.  i hate when he drinks.  he can never just have a few and quit.  he always needs to go overboard.  never once have i seen him just chill.  its always something with him...and that pisses me off.  when someone is as self centered as he is, and it multiplies when he's drunk, i can't handle it and it just annoys me.  I'm hoping he gets the hint...the world doesn't evolve around him.  it never has and never will.  jerk.
18 July 2007 @ 01:06 am
i've been having some very strange dreams lately.  last night i had dreamt i moved into the house across of my parents house, my mother was a drug addict and kept shooting up every where i seen her and then running away from me and my brother as we tried to confront her.  then last week i had a dream about my coworker...it was such a vivid dream that when i went to work the next day, it made me see him in a very different light...and he is so not my type.  things just been strange lately.  i think its the soberness that has been making my unconscience run wild as it has.  

my birthday's coming up next week.  i'm not too gung ho for it...its not like turning 21 again...shit i'm turning 24, if anything its a bit depressing at my point of life with no career ahead of me.  i really do need to win the lottery so i can be set...how depressing.
29 November 2006 @ 12:44 am

So i'm a bit scared...my UA is tomorrow.  I wasn't too freaked about it earlier...but i guess cuz the time's here, i'm sweating bullets.  I've been reading online and I think moreso the stuff i've been reading have been making me more paranoid by the minute.  I just hope everything goes okay...i really do.  

On another note, i kinda have a dilemma.  one of my roomates just got in a relationship and has hardly been home.  like she'll come home, but for less than an hour and then she's off again.  she never spends the night here, always there.  its practically like she doesn't live here anymore.  her room is being occupied by her cat and belongings.  like its cool and all.  but here's the dilemma...i have a friend whose moving here and i wouldn't mind having this friend live with me.  like we've known each other for such a long time that it'd be total crazyness (in a good way of course) if we did reside together.  sooo, with that in mind...knowing how i would rather have it....should i even bring it up to my current roomate?  i know i wouldn't have the balls to do it, just becasue it seems so mean...but its something that I really want to consider.  i mean, come on....we (as in me and my 3rd roomate) agreed on not having her pay utilities just b/c she's hardly here...which means higher bills for us two.  so here we are, with higher bills, in a three bedroom place with only two people.  we could easily have another move in and help us cut back on current expenses.  much more reasonable right?  its just, how would i bring something like this up?  do i even have a say in such a thing.  kicking her out to have someone else move in..??  in a lot of ways, it'd make things better.  but because things like this come hard for me to do...I know it aint gonna be easy.  and its not like i don't know her...she's been a friend for some time, i guess i feel i've lost touch with her.  she seems different now.  not the same person i knew from back then.  hmmm.....just don't know....

07 November 2006 @ 10:09 pm

Wish me luck folks...hopefully tomorrow I find out whether or not i get the job...lord knows i need it!


How I feel: tiredtired
30 October 2006 @ 05:54 pm
my horoscope reads...

The more you can apply the advice you give others to issues in your own life, the better off you will be, dear Leo. No one is going to follow a leader who doesn't abide by his own standards. If you are going to offer your guidance to others, make sure that you are not only willing to operate by these rules yourself, but also that you are willing to accept feedback from others in regard to the effectiveness of these rules.

how true this is too. when it comes to giving advice, i'm one to throw it out there, especially if its my friends asking me for advice. among my friends, i'm like the catalyst. the one people come to for advice. i find myself easily dishing advice out about relationships, but at the same time, i don't apply what i say to my own life...or lack thereof in regards to relationships. it seems to be forever since i've been in one. when i was in school, i wasn't looking for someone to be with. yes, i was alone, but then i had my friends there almost replacing what i had been missing. i lived through it with no regrets....i think. i mean, i enjoyed my college life to the fullest, especially that last term there, phewww...talk about crazy. but going back to my point...i didn't think i was missing out on not having someone. now though, i know its different. my friends now aren't enough to replace the void. i'm more aware now...my mindframe and lovelife are on the same page and i'm trying to find that thing that i've been missing for some time now. so yes, i will try to make due of my horoscope and take the advice i dish to meet the one...my one
How I feel: hopefulhopeful
29 October 2006 @ 01:49 am
today sucked. i think it has to do with pms. it started off bad cuz first off, i hate waking up early for no reason. and todays reason was for no reason...the sun was fucking out. that pissed me off cuz i couldn't go back to bed. i went out with a friend, experienced downtown LA and kept myself occupied on something other than the thought of you. i got home and for the rest of the day i was left alone. no one to hang with. i had no one i could call....no one that could easily want to get together to hang out. and this is where it hit me. my life here. my choice of moving to a new city which means starting all over again, aka making new friends. i miss my old friends. i miss the way we could just hang out. i miss how they had the same mentality as i...as in going out and having a good time. you've changed from when i remembered you. before you never gave a rats ass of what we did to pass the time. now...now you've changed a lot. i know i have too....but i think i still got that mentality and i dont think u do as much. you've grown and i'd like to say matured...but you've also gotten boring. i resent that u got boring because its changing who i am. you're not the same person i remember...nowhere close.

i got sad because i was alone, and for the first time i felt completely alone. i felt lost...i usually have people to surround myself with...but this time i didn't. for the first time in my life have i felt that empty and i hated it. the only thing i had going for me was a phone call that i made to a friend back home. as sad as it sounds, that phone call was the one thing that didn't make me feel alone. just hearing that familiar voice made me feel much better. i didn't realize till now how much i missed those who mean the world to me. they can never be replaced and they can never be forgotten. they are the ones who make me feel whole again. be it an ocean's away from me...it doesn't stop the connection i have with them.

my dad called and basically told me they were worried about me. as in the choices i've made thus far or lack thereof. he told me my mom was worried about my drinking habits...how alcoholism runs in my family and how i may
be the next one affected if i follow the patterns i've been doing for quite some time now. i told them i haven't
been drinking as much, and its true...i haven't. they don't know about my smoking...and we'll leave it as that.
i know my parents are worried about me. i'm worried about myself too. i think in order for me to get out of this rut, i need to do it now. its basically now or never. i've always been one to take responsibility for my faults.but to think that i'm a dissappointment in my families eyes is something that i don't think i could live with. they mean more to me than anything, and i can't and won't let myself fail them. i need to gather my shit together and get myself out of this hole that seems to be getting bigger and bigger.
How I feel: disappointeddisappointed